Drops of Jupiter - Train

Train, a band with a name so bland you don't really think about its origins, have produced some of the most bizarre and outlandish lyrics I have heard. This isn't particularly difficult, seeing as my exposure to music these days is contained entirely within car journeys, but I've heard Aesop Rock and At The Drive In blurting out opaque word labyrinths in my day. The difference between them and Train, however, is that while Omar and co. are deliberately circuitous and convoluted, Train are trying their damnedest to be understood. They're just not very good at it.

There's a photoshoot today? Why didn't you guys tell me? I could have at least ironed the jacket.

So we start with the song of theirs I heard first - Drops of Jupiter. It's definitely not the worst song they've made - maybe we'll do that one another time.

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey, hey

So we start with a title drop, and all is good so far. This 'she' has been whizzing around in space, but she's back home now. We're not going to complain about her apparent exposure to vacuum and radiation and poisonous Jovian gases, because this isn't Lyrics Taken Literally. Maybe she has gone off and done some extraordinary things. Maybe she is just a daydreamer.

She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's a time to change, hey, hey, hey

Okay. 'She acts like summer' I can understand - she is bright, sunny, languid, lazy, burns your face with her UV eyes - all well and good. 'Walks like rain' is a tad more challenging. Wetly? Does she walk wetly? Or as part of a vast and vital natural cycle? With a constant drumming noise? Pseudo-rhythmically? Actually, that's the only one that makes sense. She is bright and sunny and walks pseudo-rhythmically.

All of this reminds Train that they have time to change. The rest of the song makes it clear that they don't believe that they need to change at all in any way, but, you know, there's always time to do it.

Since her return from her stay on the Moon
 
She returned from a Moon trip, and it sounds like it was a one time thing, so I guess we are meant to take the 'she did some fun and exciting stuff and now she's back home' interpretation. She probably went backpacking. Now, I'm not going to say all backpackers are horrible, patronising assholes, because everyone who isn't a backpacker already believes this. I'm just going to say that it is a big red warning flag for us to be wary. I've actually met some backpackers that were nice. No, seriously, I have.

 She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey

And we're back to the seasons thing. 'She listens like spring'. Bursting with fertility and growth? She listens and things take seed and grow into mighty oaks? I guess that works, but that also sounds like she may just be gullible. We'll be generous, and assume it means she is creative. If you complain to her about your terrible flatmate, it will take seed in her and grow and eventually she will create a papier-mache balloon head for you.

We won't be generous about 'talks like June' bit though, because this means nothing if you are an internationally sold artist. Clearly Train have not stopped to think about how June as a month means vastly different things depending on what latitude you inhabit. Or maybe they did, and they couldn't be bothered to find another rhyme for Moon. And even if you can get past that terrible error and assume that June is related to summer, it means basically the same thing as the 'acts like summer' line. Awful, just awful.
 
But tell me, did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated?

Here we are getting to the crux of the matter. Train suddenly go from awkward season-based praise in the verses to passive-aggressive rhetorical questions in the chorus. I don't really know what they are getting at asking if she 'sailed across the sun', but combined with the Milky Way line, it suggests that sailing across the sun is a disappointing activity. Maybe it is sarcastic, and Train are laughing at her Icarus-like efforts to boat across an astronomically all-powerful fusion reactor.

They also mock her efforts to see the 'faded' lights of the Milky Way, questioning whether she even 'made it' there. Well, Train, she did make it there. She made it there, as we all have, by being born in the Milky Way, you idiots.

We'll get back to whether 'heaven is overrated'.

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star–
One without a permanent scar?

Again, I can understand part of this - they are asking if she fell for some transiently fun and exciting dude on her backpacking adventure - but what is all this business about permanent scars? Is this some allusion to another guy she met that had a scar? Maybe Train have permanent scars, and they are trying to suggest she is shallow? Maybe they mean emotional scars? Or maybe, as I believe, they just wanted a rhyme for 'star', and this is what they came up with.

And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

Aha! Ahahaha! There it is, the very heart of this song. Did you miss me? You haven't forgotten me, have you? How was heaven? It wasn't as good as me, was it? Tell me it wasn't! Please tell me it wasn't!


Although, to be fair to Train, they know about their crippling lack of self-confidence, and expand upon it later on. Back to the verses.
 
Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey, hey (mmm)

'Soul vacation'? Bloody backpackers.

She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there's room to grow, hey, hey, hey (yeah)
 
'Checks out' Mozart, huh? How very hip. I'm sure all the kids 'check out' their favourite composers. I'm also sure that The Magic Flute is the best music to listen to while pseudo-rhythmically engaging in faddy, martial arts-based exercise regimes, and these are definitely not the actions of an awful person. 

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' Jane
Told a story about a man who was too afraid to fly so he never did land

See? Train understand their self-doubt better than anyone. However, I am fairly sure that the biggest drawback to being too afraid to fly is not the fact that you can never land. I mean, yes, landing is amongst the most risky bits of flying, but I wouldn't say it was a highlight.

Anyway, Train, the more I learn about this woman, the more I feel you can do better. Sure, you are  lazy, awkward, inept and riddled with self-loathing, but you aren't a backpacker.

But tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way?

And back to the passive-aggression, although all these things seem like doable things. The winds of Jupiter could easily have picked her up and tossed her around like a plastic bag in an appalling home movie, and she could easily have fallen in love with its wayward, arrogant charms. Then she could have danced during the day and headed back to where she already is.

And tell me, did Venus blow your mind?
Was it everything you wanted to find?
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

So Venus here means love, right? Is this meant to be a sarcastic I-told-you-so about how dull falling in love is? I mean, falling in love is a lot of things, but it is rarely dull. Are Train talking about the exciting dude she met while backpacking? While 'looking for herself'? Did she really say she was 'looking for herself'? I'm not sure who is worse at the moment, Train with their 'settle for me, you can't do better' schtick, or her, with her backpackerness.

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken?

What? No love, pride or deep-fried chicken? Are Train vegetarians? Unloving, shame-filled vegetarians? What sort of enticement is this?


Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong

Hey Train, this has nothing to do with you. Her best friend will stick up for her even if you aren't there desperately trying to undermine her confidence.


Can you imagine no first dance, freeze-dried romance? Five-hour phone conversations?

The only way you can have no first dance is if you never dance, so apparently that is out too. Unless they mean no first dance at the wedding? So you allude to a wedding by stating the things you refuse to do at it? The way this is gone so far, I expect that Train will enforce a minimum of five hours per phone call. Train will spend the time telling you how much better off you are now that you have come to your senses and settled down and got a proper job, with none of that silly gallavanting.

The best soy latte that you ever had and me

This is the climax? A fucking soy latte? Even lactose intolerant caffeine addicts would be insulted by this hideously yuppie invite. In fact, this is a great way to filter out the worst dates - if you say that you'll take them to get the 'best soy latte they have ever had' and they don't immediately hiss like a cobra and spit in your face, then you can end the date there and then.

But tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the Milky Way?
And tell me, did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated?
And tell me, did you fall for a shooting star,
One without a permanent scar?
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself?
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
And did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day?
Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na
And did you fall for a shooting star, fall for a shooting star?
Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na
And are you lonely looking for yourself out there?

What if she isn't, Train? Huh? What then? Maybe you could take some of that time and room you have to change? Or maybe you could just pester and sneer at her until her self-esteem degrades enough that she will settle for you? You are monsters, Train, awful, terrible people.

But at least you aren't backpackers.