Let's get on with it, shall we?
 |
| They seem to take turns being the middle one, which is nice. |
Ladies you're damn right
You can't read a man's mind
So we start with Girls Aloud responding to some unheard suggestion that you can't read a man's mind. This is not a particularly controversial statement - the majority of people do not believe that mind-reading is an option. Of course, they might just mean that men are fickle and unpredictable, which is the sort of reversal of typical gender stereotypes I'd expect from a group called 'Girls Aloud'. Maybe their whole oeuvre is just this sort of turvying of topsies.
We're living in two tribes
And heading for war
And a reference to Frankie Goes To Hollywood, suggesting the sexual politics of our times have segregated men and women, leading to a tense standoff that may end up in outright conflict. A fairly intense point of view. Let's find out what Girls Aloud make of this (spoiler - they make nothing of this).
We all gotta work it
But fellas, we're worth it
So don't break the law
So Girls Aloud believe everyone has to primp and preen a bit, but the end result is a relationship worth the inconvenience. I'm not sure if they mean all women are worth it (which as advice seems unsound - some women are backpackers), or that Girls Aloud are worth it, which is a little presumptuous.
More importantly, what law are they telling men not to break? From context it is impossible to tell. Are they worried that asking men to groom themselves will cause some sort of psychotic break? Perhaps there is a law about not working it? Are they singing about some grim dystopian future where birth rates are low because of warfare between the genders, and people are now legally obliged to doll themselves up in order to resolve this issue? Maybe the rest of the song will explain.
Your call's late, big mistake
You've gotta hang about in limbo for as long as I take
Girls Aloud are not above petty eye-for-an-eye reprisals. This is the sort of behaviour that probably led to their war.
Next time, read my mind and I'll be good to you
Wait, wait. So there was no prescribed time for his call? You just wanted him to call and he didn't do it in time? And you want him to read your mind, despite the fact you mention just earlier in the verse that this is impossible? It's almost like you are being deliberately fickle and...
Oh.
So much for reversals
We're gift-wrapped kitty cats
We're only turning into tigers when we gotta fight back
So I get that they want to create an image of utterly benign and non-threatening cuteness, but have you ever tried to cover a cat in wrapping paper? They do not like it. They do not like it at all. Even if you do manage it, the result is neither cute or benign.
Of course, the kitty cat was just a setup for the 'women as big cats' metaphor. Why is it always big cats? Why not go for a bear or a hyena or an elephant or something? A wolf. An eagle, even. A gorilla would be cool.
Let's go, Eskimo
Out into the blue
Yeah, see? A polar bear comparison would segue perfectly into this pun about Eskimos. I mean, I assume this is a pun about ice being blue. If it is, it is the sort of ice pun even Mr Freeze would think twice about. Maybe Eskimos are known for taking long journeys into the unknown. Like our journey into the bridge...
Come take my hand
Understand that you can
You're my man and I need you tonight
Apparently Girls Aloud's man is unaware of this human custom of hand-holding.
Come make my dreams
Honey hard as it seems
Loving me is as easy as pie
Note that Girls Aloud don't want their man to make their dreams true, they want him to make their dreams. Apparently they are completely directionless and without purpose until he tells them what to do. That is a lot of pressure to put on a person. No wonder he hesitates before calling.
The bridge ends with a mid-19th century American idiom about pie. Apparently Americans, and indeed all Anglophones, from that period on believe pie is easy. I can get behind that. Pie is a lot of things - tasty, symbolic of the comforts of home and family, sometimes an icon of childhood when combined with the windowsill. It is not, however, particularly romantic or sexy (unless you believe those lying films), and does not really belong in this song. Anyway, Girls Aloud, it is massively arrogant to go around saying "I am easy to love". It in fact makes you less easy to love.
I'm just a love machine
Feeding my fantasy
Give me a kiss or three
And I'm fine
So we get to the titular phrase. I assume that as a machine they are constantly and efficiently outputting love? But they are also feeding their fantasy, and they need kisses. So I guess they are converting kisses into love in order to nourish their unnamed fantasy. Also I'm not sure what sort of fantasy requires a constant input of love. It can't be a fantasy about loving someone because they are a love machine already. Maybe it is a fantasy about being loved? They don't feel loved, so they need kisses to create love to fuel their fantasy that they are loved. Yeah, that is definitely it, and not convoluted at all.
I need a squeeze a day
Instead of this negligee
What will the neighbours say
This time
So they need a hug instead of a negligee. Fair enough. What baffles me is, where are they wearing this negligee that the neighbours can see it? Are they wearing it while putting out the recycling? If that is the case, they can hardly blame their man. Especially since they seem to have done it before. Anyway, back to the verse.
I've been going crazy while you sleep
Searching for a language
That the two of us can speak so
Maybe the problem here, Girls Aloud, is that you are searching for this language by yourselves.
Mr. Prehistoric, make your wheel
And I'll breathe underwater '
'Cos I like the way it feels
I... what? You think he wants to literally remake the wheel while you... drown yourself? Is this how you always speak? Is breathing underwater meant to symbolise how civilised you are compared to his caveman ways? Are you mermaids? No wonder there is language barrier between you. Anyway, aren't cavemen meant to be a byword for 'simple' or 'motivated by base desires'? Why are you having trouble understanding him then? Maybe he is actually a prehistoric man. I mean, that would explain a lot. It is a grim dystopia where women are forced to gather men from the distant past for procreative needs. Their science may have discovered underwater breathing and time travel, but can it discover... love?
Oh, it's very new
Can anybody tell me what to do?
Oh, this feeling's very strange
Can anybody tell me what's your game?
Yes, it all makes sense now. Girls Aloud have hardly ever seen a man before, so of course all this is new and strange. Despite his lack of language, social breeding and technological understanding, they recognise him as a human, with a human brain and a human heart. But how can they interact? How can they make him understand? How can they make him love them?
(Oh) A little education
(Oh) To give you motivation
(Oh) We'll turn the situation
With education, of course. They will break the rules of their gynocracy and teach him everything, and damn the consequences!
(Oh) 'Cos I don't wanna change ya
(Oh) Making you a stranger
(Oh) I'll only re-arrange ya... for now
Also some mutilation is required. Can't make an omelette etc. etc.
(Oh) I'm just a Love Machine
(0h) To give you motivation
(Oh) I'm just a Love Machine
(Ooh, ooh)
(Oh) I'm just a Love Machine
(0h) To give you motivation
(Oh) I'm just a Love Machine
(Oh, oh, oh)
Love Machine - a touching tale of love in a grim, war-torn future.
