PYD - Justin Bieber featuring R. Kelly

Yes, I am aware that analysing this song is reaching out for low-hanging fruit, and participation in Bieber-bashing puts me on a level with angry teenage Youtube commenters, but I just have to get this one off my chest. I have Issues about this song. And no, this isn't going to be about how it sounds like he is saying 'puberty', because this is Lyrics Overanalysed, not Lyrics Misheard.

R is wearing a hat that has 'parental advisory' written on it. I feel it is important to point this out.

Let's just get on with this.

(PYD, PYD, PYD, PYD, PYD, PYD, PYD)
I'mma put you down
(PYD, PYD, PYD)
Down (PYD, PYD, PYD)
I'mma put you down (PYD, PYD, PYD)
All the way down (whoa)

And we're off the starting line and bumbling straight into the first obstacle like a Sumo running the 110m hurdles. We have a problem so vast that we can almost completely ignore the ludicrous premise that Justin and R think that 'PYD' is a useful, perhaps even sensual, abbreviation. There are no sensual abbreviations. In fact, I would go so far as to say that abbreviations are antithetical to the whole notion of sensuality. This doesn't matter, though, because the discovery of what PYD actually stands for far overshadows the act of abbreviating it.

PYD stands for 'put you down'. However, rather than this being a paean to verbal abuse, it is in fact a song about physically putting someone down. As in, you pick them up off the floor, and then you put them down again.

In a sexy way.

A number of questions immediately jump out. Do they know that 'put you down' has the well established meaning of 'insult you'? If so, why did they still go through with this song? Why did no one stop them? I thought maybe they were young and had never heard the phrase used before, but R Kelly is 48 years old. There is no way that both of them, and all the people involved in the production and promotion of this song, did not know, so that means it must be deliberate. Is this working on a level that I am completely missing? Is it a strange effort at Doublespeak?

Why have they used 'put you down' when the perfectly serviceable 'lay you down' exists? Is it because LYD does not work as well as PYD? But PYD is just as clumsy and awkward. Is the 'all the way down' line meant to be an innuendo? Maybe it is an elaborate prank. They promise this girl that they will sexily put her down, they head back to her place, and R and Justin will jump up and call her stupid and smelly before fleeing the room.

I've just realised that 'put down' is also a euphemism for pet euthanasia. Are... are they pretending to be vets? Are they getting tingling feelings while they administer a lethal injection to Mr Tibbles? Just what in the hell are they doing?

Maybe the rest of the song will help us understand.

[Justin Bieber:]
From the door to the wall
Coffee table, girl, get ready
I'mma put you down (PYD PYD PYD)
All the way down (PYD PYD PYD)

Or maybe not. The coffee table? Either Justin has a superfluously large and sturdy coffee table (some may call this a 'table') or he is offering to gently lower her onto a small, hard, possibly glass, surface that sits directly in front of his sofa.

From the stove to the counter top
Dining room table, are you ready?
I'mma put you down
(PYD PYD PYD, PYD PYD PYD)

The stove? He wants to put her down on a stove? And then a counter top, and then the dining room table? Is it me, or is this rather reminiscent of the path a hot dinner might take? Is this a song about dismemberment and cannibalism? Oh God, is he leaving parts of her all around his house? 

Up the stairs to my bedroom,
Light a few candles, prepare yourself
I'mma put you down (PYD PYD PYD)
All the way down (PYD PYD PYD)

Okay, okay, she can still 'prepare herself', so she isn't in pieces. Justin is just carrying her around the house and placing her on various appliances and bits of furniture. As amusing as I find this image, it does not compare to the picture of Justin laying (sorry, putting) his lady love down on the bed, lighting some candles, then standing at the end of the bed and saying 'prepare yourself'. 

On a plane, a train, an automobile doesn't matter
I'mma put you down (PYD PYD PYD)
All the way down (PYD PYD PYD)

Oh, he's moved on to vehicles now. Keeping with the tone, Justin has eschewed mentioning any luxurious brand of car, and even the word 'car', in favour of using the staid and reliable 'automobile'. 
[Chorus: Justin Bieber]
And it don't make no sense to be that bad
I'm a take it down on you, babe (PYD PYD PYD)
Put you down (PYD PYD PYD)

My shaky grasp of the current lingo (damn kids and their music grumble grumble) suggests to me that 'don't make no sense to be that bad' is simply a way of saying she is bamboozlingly sexy, but I refuse to believe that 'taking it down' on someone is anything other than a vague threat.

This will show you how much I love you
Form of appreciation
I'mma put you down (PYD PYD PYD PYD PYD PYD PYD)

And again, I can't imagine anyone saying 'this will show you how much I love you' without it being a threat. It is the sort of thing someone says while carving your name into their cheek with a pair of scissors. Yes, Justin, I guess your impromptu tattoo is a form of appreciation.

Oh, 'cause you deserve the best
And nothing but the best
So I give you the best you've ever had
I'mma put you down (PYD PYD PYD PYD PYD PYD PYD)
I'mma put you down
Note the subtle switching of meaning. 'The best' and 'the best you've ever had' are two different things. They can be very different. This is clearly sophistry of the most appalling kind.

[R. Kelly:]
On the roof (baby), balcony (baby), we don't care (baby) who sees
Girl, I'mma put you down (PYD PYD PYD)
All the way down, down, down (PYD PYD PYD)

So R has now joined in and he's already going for more outlandish places to put her down. Also, R, if you are trying to suggest a spontaneity born of passion, perhaps you should suggest places that you are likely to frequent, and don't take careful balance and ten minutes of parkour.

After the club, in the parking lot
I don't care anywhere you could pick the spot, whatever
I'mma put you down, yeah (PYD PYD PYD)
All the way down, yeah (PYD PYD PYD)

Like a parking lot. I guess you would frequent a parking lot, that most romantic of places.

At this point, however, R drops this whole conceit that Justin has spent his whole verse building up with an 'I don't care, whatever'. R is done naming places he could put her down. He's done three. That's more than enough.

'Cause I've been doing forensics
On your body in this club
I can tell the way you walk
Your body ain't been touched the right way

There have already been some oddly sterile words and phrases thrown into this song ('automobile', 'form of appreciation'), but 'forensics' tops them all. As an added bonus, it's also vaguely threatening. It is difficult to hear the word 'forensics' and not think of autopsies and UV blood tracking.

Anyway, R can tell from the way she walks that she hasn't orgasmed in months.

It seems your man been treating you like a step child

I don't know what R is trying to say here, but none of the interpretations are good. The least offensive one I can garner from this line is that her man isn't having sex with her, but even this suggests that 'lack of sex' is the defining condition of the step child-step parent relationship. Maybe instead he thinks that stepchildren are subhuman, and treating a real human like a stepchild is monstrous. The worst possible interpretations are, well, they're pretty bad.

Sub him out, sub me in
And I'm a get on the floor
And shut the whole game down

R then drops from his previous bombshell to a metaphor about basketball. Adulterous basketball.

Until I hear you cheering, babe
Have you spelling out my name, babe

Spelling out your name? I can see he's trying to link her impassioned cries to his extended basketball metaphor via cheerleaders, but the unfortunate outcome is that he has her orgasming like a Sesame Street character.

See, I wanna give my love
Be your dope man in the bedroom
You can make me your drug, babe

Even R cannot screw up a 'love is a drug' metaphor.

[Chorus: R. Kelly]
And it don't make no sense to be that bad
Oh no, baby (PYD PYD PYD),
I'm gonna put you down
Gonna show you how much I love you
Form of appreciation, yeah no ooh
(PYD PYD PYD, PYD PYD PYD)
etc etc.

The end is just a mishmash of repeated lyrics. Overall, the lyrics suggest that they truly believe 'put you down' is a good euphemism for sexy times. There is no evidence of intentional double meanings, or acknowledgement that it might mean something else. But, to reiterate, I cannot believe this song was made without anyone spotting that issue. The only possible conclusion is that they knew, and they didn't care. They just didn't care.

Well, I care, R and Justin. I will always care.

Drops of Jupiter - Train

Train, a band with a name so bland you don't really think about its origins, have produced some of the most bizarre and outlandish lyrics I have heard. This isn't particularly difficult, seeing as my exposure to music these days is contained entirely within car journeys, but I've heard Aesop Rock and At The Drive In blurting out opaque word labyrinths in my day. The difference between them and Train, however, is that while Omar and co. are deliberately circuitous and convoluted, Train are trying their damnedest to be understood. They're just not very good at it.

There's a photoshoot today? Why didn't you guys tell me? I could have at least ironed the jacket.

So we start with the song of theirs I heard first - Drops of Jupiter. It's definitely not the worst song they've made - maybe we'll do that one another time.

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey, hey

So we start with a title drop, and all is good so far. This 'she' has been whizzing around in space, but she's back home now. We're not going to complain about her apparent exposure to vacuum and radiation and poisonous Jovian gases, because this isn't Lyrics Taken Literally. Maybe she has gone off and done some extraordinary things. Maybe she is just a daydreamer.

She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's a time to change, hey, hey, hey

Okay. 'She acts like summer' I can understand - she is bright, sunny, languid, lazy, burns your face with her UV eyes - all well and good. 'Walks like rain' is a tad more challenging. Wetly? Does she walk wetly? Or as part of a vast and vital natural cycle? With a constant drumming noise? Pseudo-rhythmically? Actually, that's the only one that makes sense. She is bright and sunny and walks pseudo-rhythmically.

All of this reminds Train that they have time to change. The rest of the song makes it clear that they don't believe that they need to change at all in any way, but, you know, there's always time to do it.

Since her return from her stay on the Moon
 
She returned from a Moon trip, and it sounds like it was a one time thing, so I guess we are meant to take the 'she did some fun and exciting stuff and now she's back home' interpretation. She probably went backpacking. Now, I'm not going to say all backpackers are horrible, patronising assholes, because everyone who isn't a backpacker already believes this. I'm just going to say that it is a big red warning flag for us to be wary. I've actually met some backpackers that were nice. No, seriously, I have.

 She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey

And we're back to the seasons thing. 'She listens like spring'. Bursting with fertility and growth? She listens and things take seed and grow into mighty oaks? I guess that works, but that also sounds like she may just be gullible. We'll be generous, and assume it means she is creative. If you complain to her about your terrible flatmate, it will take seed in her and grow and eventually she will create a papier-mache balloon head for you.

We won't be generous about 'talks like June' bit though, because this means nothing if you are an internationally sold artist. Clearly Train have not stopped to think about how June as a month means vastly different things depending on what latitude you inhabit. Or maybe they did, and they couldn't be bothered to find another rhyme for Moon. And even if you can get past that terrible error and assume that June is related to summer, it means basically the same thing as the 'acts like summer' line. Awful, just awful.
 
But tell me, did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated?

Here we are getting to the crux of the matter. Train suddenly go from awkward season-based praise in the verses to passive-aggressive rhetorical questions in the chorus. I don't really know what they are getting at asking if she 'sailed across the sun', but combined with the Milky Way line, it suggests that sailing across the sun is a disappointing activity. Maybe it is sarcastic, and Train are laughing at her Icarus-like efforts to boat across an astronomically all-powerful fusion reactor.

They also mock her efforts to see the 'faded' lights of the Milky Way, questioning whether she even 'made it' there. Well, Train, she did make it there. She made it there, as we all have, by being born in the Milky Way, you idiots.

We'll get back to whether 'heaven is overrated'.

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star–
One without a permanent scar?

Again, I can understand part of this - they are asking if she fell for some transiently fun and exciting dude on her backpacking adventure - but what is all this business about permanent scars? Is this some allusion to another guy she met that had a scar? Maybe Train have permanent scars, and they are trying to suggest she is shallow? Maybe they mean emotional scars? Or maybe, as I believe, they just wanted a rhyme for 'star', and this is what they came up with.

And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

Aha! Ahahaha! There it is, the very heart of this song. Did you miss me? You haven't forgotten me, have you? How was heaven? It wasn't as good as me, was it? Tell me it wasn't! Please tell me it wasn't!


Although, to be fair to Train, they know about their crippling lack of self-confidence, and expand upon it later on. Back to the verses.
 
Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey, hey (mmm)

'Soul vacation'? Bloody backpackers.

She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there's room to grow, hey, hey, hey (yeah)
 
'Checks out' Mozart, huh? How very hip. I'm sure all the kids 'check out' their favourite composers. I'm also sure that The Magic Flute is the best music to listen to while pseudo-rhythmically engaging in faddy, martial arts-based exercise regimes, and these are definitely not the actions of an awful person. 

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' Jane
Told a story about a man who was too afraid to fly so he never did land

See? Train understand their self-doubt better than anyone. However, I am fairly sure that the biggest drawback to being too afraid to fly is not the fact that you can never land. I mean, yes, landing is amongst the most risky bits of flying, but I wouldn't say it was a highlight.

Anyway, Train, the more I learn about this woman, the more I feel you can do better. Sure, you are  lazy, awkward, inept and riddled with self-loathing, but you aren't a backpacker.

But tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way?

And back to the passive-aggression, although all these things seem like doable things. The winds of Jupiter could easily have picked her up and tossed her around like a plastic bag in an appalling home movie, and she could easily have fallen in love with its wayward, arrogant charms. Then she could have danced during the day and headed back to where she already is.

And tell me, did Venus blow your mind?
Was it everything you wanted to find?
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

So Venus here means love, right? Is this meant to be a sarcastic I-told-you-so about how dull falling in love is? I mean, falling in love is a lot of things, but it is rarely dull. Are Train talking about the exciting dude she met while backpacking? While 'looking for herself'? Did she really say she was 'looking for herself'? I'm not sure who is worse at the moment, Train with their 'settle for me, you can't do better' schtick, or her, with her backpackerness.

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken?

What? No love, pride or deep-fried chicken? Are Train vegetarians? Unloving, shame-filled vegetarians? What sort of enticement is this?


Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong

Hey Train, this has nothing to do with you. Her best friend will stick up for her even if you aren't there desperately trying to undermine her confidence.


Can you imagine no first dance, freeze-dried romance? Five-hour phone conversations?

The only way you can have no first dance is if you never dance, so apparently that is out too. Unless they mean no first dance at the wedding? So you allude to a wedding by stating the things you refuse to do at it? The way this is gone so far, I expect that Train will enforce a minimum of five hours per phone call. Train will spend the time telling you how much better off you are now that you have come to your senses and settled down and got a proper job, with none of that silly gallavanting.

The best soy latte that you ever had and me

This is the climax? A fucking soy latte? Even lactose intolerant caffeine addicts would be insulted by this hideously yuppie invite. In fact, this is a great way to filter out the worst dates - if you say that you'll take them to get the 'best soy latte they have ever had' and they don't immediately hiss like a cobra and spit in your face, then you can end the date there and then.

But tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the Milky Way?
And tell me, did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated?
And tell me, did you fall for a shooting star,
One without a permanent scar?
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself?
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
And did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day?
Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na
And did you fall for a shooting star, fall for a shooting star?
Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na
And are you lonely looking for yourself out there?

What if she isn't, Train? Huh? What then? Maybe you could take some of that time and room you have to change? Or maybe you could just pester and sneer at her until her self-esteem degrades enough that she will settle for you? You are monsters, Train, awful, terrible people.

But at least you aren't backpackers.