That's Not My Name - The Ting Tings

It's Katie White, okay? That is her name. If that is why you came here, or if you're expecting tired, insipid jokes about not knowing the name of The Tings Tings singer, you can leave now. This is Lyrics Overanalysed, not Lyrics Turned Into Obvious, Boring Jokes. Capiche?

Instead we will be delving deep into the lyrical content of this 2008 indie classic, recognised by the many and beloved by the few. Just why was Kerry so worried about people getting her name wrong? Was I paid off a pathetically meagre amount to write this? Were The Tings Tings a much better version of The White Stripes? (Clue: Two of the answers to these are 'yes')

Reasons to avoid Chris Moyles #314

Four letter word just to get me along
It's a difficulty and I'm biting on my tongue
And I, I keep stalling, keeping me together
People around gotta find something to say now

So straight off the bat we learn that Kelsey has a terrible potty mouth, and it takes everything she has to avoid letting off a string of expletives at every possible interval. She deals with this by allowing herself one 'four letter word' every now and then. Unfortunately, the result of her implacable need to say toilet words is that she spends large amounts of time saying nothing at all, leaving others to carry the burden of continuing conversations while she quietly mutters 'poot' and 'darn'.
 
Holding back, everyday the same
Don't wanna be a loner
Listen to me, oh no 
I never say anything at all
But with nothing to consider they forget my name (ame, ame, ame)

Her problem is so profound, her profanity-laden almost-silence so complete, that people phase her out of their mindspace, forgetting her name in the process. At least, that is what she claims as she sings about it very loudly and clearly in a number one selling single. She even manages to not swear for over three and a half minutes, although admittedly that might be due to careful studio editing. My suspicions are raised.

They call me 'Bell'
They call me 'Stacey'
They call me 'her'
They call me 'Jane'

Apparently, these people that forget her name, they are the sort of people that blithely call her any goddamn name they feel like. I can maybe forgive 'Stacey', and I guess 'her' is what you would use to refer to her, but Jane is not even close, and Bell is not even a name (I am aware that she might be saying 'Hel' here, but that is even more confusing - I am certain I would remember if someone was named after a Norse deity of death). Her claims are becoming more outlandish.

That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name 

They call me 'quiet girl'
But I'm a riot 
Mary, Jo, Lisa
Always the same

And again, 'quiet girl' is how someone might refer to her, even if she thinks her curse-babbling is a 'riot', but Mary, Jo and Lisa are just random names. It might even be that people are calling her Mary-Jo Lisa, which is just madness. What sort of person, on forgetting someone's name, guesses with Mary-Jo Lisa? A fake person, that is who.

That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name

No, it isn't. Not at all.

I miss the catch if they throw me the ball
I'm the last chick standing up against the wall 

Katie's woes deepen as she recalls PE lessons at school. This successful, platinum-selling, indie pop sensation tells us she was a bit shit at rounders, and therefore people have forgotten who she is.

Keep falling, these heels they keep me boring

Apparently, she insisted on wearing heels when playing rounders. I imagine that would make you a either a sitting-around-doing-nothing type rounders player, or an extremely jazzy show-off of a rounders player. Either way, you would be a boring rounders player, because rounders.

Actually, if she keeps falling, then she must be trying to play normally and ending up as some slapstick routine that children might find amusing for a couple of minutes. The heels probably negate some of the rounders boredom, and here she is berating them. Monstrous.

Getting glamped up and sitting on the fence now
 
Okay, after repeated listening, I can confirm that she definitely says 'glamped' here, meaning she has dressed with Genghis Khan's yurt (the most glamorous of all tents) as her aspiration. So she is wearing her best cone-topped cylinder of fur, and presumably she cannot decide whether she wants to go out or not? I mean, the implication is that no one calls her to come out, so maybe she is undecided about whether she wants to go out alone? Maybe she is literally sitting on a fence? I guess that is where you would sit if you couldn't decide if you wanted to leave the house. It's probably quite difficult in a yurt costume though.

So alone all the time at night
Lock myself away
Listen to me, ah nah
Although I'm dressed up, out and all 
With everything considered they forget my name (ame, ame, ame) 

Here Katie tells us that she is all alone every night, dressed up and ready, but locking herself away, trapped in lonely indecision. The fact that she has sung these exact lyrics a hundred times to thousands of fans who paid money to listen to her say this is of course entirely irrelevant.

Chorus

Are you calling me darling?
Are you calling me bird?
Are you calling me darling?
Are you calling me bird?


These are more believable enforced pseudonyms than 'Bell' or 'Mary-Jo Lisa', and lend the song some too-little-too-late credibility. A more accomplished liar has clearly used this as inspiration for their cover of this song.

Chorus

All alone all the time at night but I'm awake
All dressed up but there's no limousine in my name

Here is a picture of The Ting Tings on the red carpet:

Now, I'm not calling Katie a liar, but I am saying that she pretty much definitely took a limo to get to that red carpet, and she is therefore lying, much like a liar would. She is also definitely not alone.

At the same time as those last words from Katie, Other Ting Ting is quietly mumbling something in the background. Apparently he is saying:

This song was in my head, now it's in my mind,
Call it, reach it, get some words and get some timing,
Though I realize, I cannot emphasize,
I'll stick around, but just a promise, nothing binding,
However can't you see, that you're so desperately,
A standing joker like a vocal one-liner,
Instead of sing-along, this song is monotone,
I gotta get some soul, gotta get some feeling.... 

Which sounds a lot like the reviews this song got from terrible internet people that think they know about music. Maybe Other Ting Ting reviews songs as a terrible internet person. There are other, more important facts about him that I feel I should mention though:

1. I barely remembered he was there.
2. I wasn't even sure he was saying anything.
3. I do not know his name.

I Took A Pill In Ibiza - Mike Posner

Mike Posner is a singer, whose name you might recognise from about five years ago, when he released a totally not-bitter song about someone cooler than him. That person must be kicking themselves about shrugging him off now he is super rich and mildly famous. Or maybe not, given that his most recent offering is a heartbreakingly honest song about his nightmarish struggle with drug addiction. Unfortunately for him, however, his acoustic guitar-based mewlings become popular through a sensual dance remix that would not be out of place in an MDMA-ridden session in Amnesia, which is a club in Ibiza that I already knew about and definitely did not find on Google.

Further channeling the government PSA vibe.

So how badly did Seeb the Remixer destroy Mikey's original message? Let's find out!

I took a pill in Ibiza
To show Avicii I was cool

So we start with the title. A title, I might add, that he cannot say correctly, but let's not dwell on that. This is Lyrics Overanalysed, not Lyrics Pronounced Correctly, and this man is about to open up to us about his terrible problems.

There are two interesting points to be made here, and both come from Mikey's own explanation of these lyrics. Firstly, the nondescript pill really was a mystery - to this day, he does not know what it was, which blows away my idea that he was trying to avoid accidentally promoting specific drugs. Secondly, that line about wanting to impress Avicii is not in any way metaphorical. He was trying to prove to the actual Avicii that he was cool. This song is apparently going to be as literal-minded as a token emotionless Star Trek character.

This also tells us the year for these happenings - 2012 was when Avicii and Mikey teamed up for their dance hit Stay With You.

And when I finally got sober, felt 10 years older
But fuck it, it was something to do

Again, the actual truth ruins my reading of this line - I thought this was a clever way of saying his horrible addictions spanned a decade, his life a drug-fueled blur starting with that mystery pill. But of course he took that pill a mere four years ago, so he just literally felt ten years older. He felt as weak and drained as a 34 year old, the poor soul.

The next line is a little ambiguous. Presumably he is relating the blase attitude he felt at the time, but it sounds like, looking back, he didn't regret it at all. This clearly cannot be the case, because this song is about the awful burdens that single lapse has left him with.

I'm living out in LA

And we are getting to the meat of his story. The poor man lives in LA!

I drive a sports car just to prove
I'm a real big baller cause I made a million dollars

And his monstrous afflictions have left him a millionaire! To think, if he hadn't taken that pill, he might have made two million dollars! Also note that he still drives that sports car (a Porsche, apparently), so he hasn't learned anything apart from how to artlessly humblebrag.

And I spend it on girls and shoes

Shoes? I honestly don't know what to make of this. Is he trying to portray an Imelda Marcos style decadence? Are trainers really that much of a luxury item? Maybe I've fallen into a trap here, thinking that this is another blatant humblebrag. Maybe his mind was so addled with arbitrary pills that he stockpiled shoes in a paranoid delusion?

But no, if you go and look at his explanation, he loved and collected shoes. If that is his hobby, then who am I to judge? It's about as glamorous as Coolio's rumoured snow globe collection, but it's the truth about his life, so whatever. Mikey, however, has no qualms about judging this hobby in the above-linked explanation, describing his collection as 'ignorant', which is not a word I would ever have associated with shoes before now.

Anyway, the show bombshell takes us into the chorus.

But you don't wanna be high like me

The big question here is, of course, why not? Why don't I want to be high like you? So far it doesn't seem to caused you any problems at all. Why should we listen to you, Mikey? Why?

Never really knowing why like me

Oh. That isn't a very compelling argument, to be honest.

You don't ever wanna step off that roller coaster and be all alone

There are many reasons not to step off a roller coaster. The resultant loneliness isn't ranked high among them. It would be a very short-lived loneliness for a start.

I kid, of course. Clearly he is talking about stepping off the roller coaster after the ride has finished, when loneliness is an obvious problem. It's not like you can enjoy a roller coaster with friends or family or anything.
 
You don't wanna ride the bus like this

He's talking about the tour bus apparently. The man is so lost in his debauched celebrity lifestyle that he forgot what buses mean to normal people. One of the many hazards of pill-munching in the Mediterranean. Again, he fails to mention why we don't want to ride the tour bus. I would actually be more sympathetic to him if he was describing his commute to work on the 84.

Never knowing who to trust like this

This line comes from nowhere, although I now strongly suspect that buses are only mentioned to get this line rhymed off. He's never mentioned any paranoia before now, or indeed any downsides to his drug taking. Even this line seems more indicative of the perils of fame and hangers-on than anything related to pill-popping. In fact, this whole song feels more like it's about the downsides of fame.

You don't wanna be stuck up on that stage singing
Stuck up on that stage singing
All I know are sad songs, sad songs
Darling, all I know are sad songs, sad songs

Note that he isn't saying he only sings sad songs (which these days is hardly an indicator that the singer is having a particularly hard time), he is saying he is stuck up on stage singing 'All I know are sad songs', ie. the lyrics to this very song. The big conclusion to his chorus, the strongest reason he has for not taking Balaeric ecstasy, is that he ended up singing this song.

It's the most convincing argument so far.

I'm just a singer who already blew his shot

A year ago, when this song was first released, this line would have had some resonance with the three people listening to it. Now that he has hit the big time again, it just seems like an outright lie. Maybe in a few months it will be true again, so I won't be too hard on him for this.

I get along with old timers
Cause my name's a reminder of a pop song people forgot

I spent some time thinking about what song he could mean here. 'My Sharona' was the closest I could get to a song sounding like 'Mike Posner', and I doubt that was what he was going for, so I guess he means people are reminded of one of his songs, which has to be 'Cooler Than Me'.

Now, this is all fair enough - he is describing himself as a washed up has-been that started has-beening almost before he was beening, but he seems to have forgotten the central premise of his song. Can he really blame any of this on that pill he took? He doesn't seem to have linked the two causally in any way. Maybe, Mikey, people forgot the song because it is eminently forgettable?

And I can't keep a girl, no
Cause as soon as the sun comes up
I cut em all loose and work's my excuse
But the truth is I can't open up

And another blatant humblebrag. I sleep with all the girls, but I cannot form a relationship because I cannot open up, abloobloobloo. You know what might help with that, Mikey? How about a notoriously communion-forming, inhibition-reducing drug that frequently comes in pill form and is seen on dance floors across Europe?

<Chorus>

I took a plane to my home town
I brought my pride and my guitar

His home town is Detroit, apparently. Even the fact he now lives in LA is a step up from his starting point. He mentions bringing his pride and guitar there, as if that is all he has, but he seems to have forgotten he has already told us about his sports car and his shoe collection and his LA mansion. You can't pull the poverty angle now.

Maybe by 'pride' he means his collection of rare Converse All Stars.

All my friends are all gone but there's manicured lawns
And the people still think I'm a star

Mikey seems to think fine garden detailing and fame can make up for lost childhood friendships. I think I'll have to revoke his right to complain about loneliness. I'm certainly not going to blame it on that pill.

I walked around downtown
I met some fans on Lafayette
They said tell us how to make it cause we're getting real impatient
So I looked em in the eye and said

<Chorus>

And now he has shot down his own 'I'm a has-been' line by mentioning fans that recognise him, and respect him enough to ask for advice. I guess he then he looks them in the eye and tells them not to jump off rollercoasters or ride buses, or sing about singing sad songs, so maybe they stopped being fans. Either way, this is in no way a consequence of partaking in drugs.


So what, precisely, can we say has happened to Mikey due to his pill-popping? Let's see:

• He felt 10 years older after he took the first one, but he didn't care that much about it.
• He is now singing this song.

A truly harrowing tale.

Love Machine - Girls Aloud

Girls Aloud, a cunning reversal/pun on the classic 'No Girls Allowed' sign seen on fictional treehouses everywhere, is the name of a girl band that existed once. One of them is famous now, and is a judge on a TV show. That's about all I know. What? This is Lyrics Overanalysed, not The Origins of Lyrics.

Let's get on with it, shall we?

They seem to take turns being the middle one, which is nice.

Ladies you're damn right
You can't read a man's mind

So we start with Girls Aloud responding to some unheard suggestion that you can't read a man's mind. This is not a particularly controversial statement - the majority of people do not believe that mind-reading is an option. Of course, they might just mean that men are fickle and unpredictable, which is the sort of reversal of typical gender stereotypes I'd expect from a group called 'Girls Aloud'. Maybe their whole oeuvre is just this sort of turvying of topsies.

We're living in two tribes
And heading for war

And a reference to Frankie Goes To Hollywood, suggesting the sexual politics of our times have segregated men and women, leading to a tense standoff that may end up in outright conflict. A fairly intense point of view. Let's find out what Girls Aloud make of this (spoiler - they make nothing of this).

We all gotta work it
But fellas, we're worth it
So don't break the law

So Girls Aloud believe everyone has to primp and preen a bit, but the end result is a relationship worth the inconvenience. I'm not sure if they mean all women are worth it (which as advice seems unsound - some women are backpackers), or that Girls Aloud are worth it, which is a little presumptuous.

More importantly, what law are they telling men not to break? From context it is impossible to tell. Are they worried that asking men to groom themselves will cause some sort of psychotic break? Perhaps there is a law about not working it? Are they singing about some grim dystopian future where birth rates are low because of warfare between the genders, and people are now legally obliged to doll themselves up in order to resolve this issue? Maybe the rest of the song will explain.

Your call's late, big mistake
You've gotta hang about in limbo for as long as I take

Girls Aloud are not above petty eye-for-an-eye reprisals. This is the sort of behaviour that probably led to their war.

Next time, read my mind and I'll be good to you

Wait, wait. So there was no prescribed time for his call? You just wanted him to call and he didn't do it in time? And you want him to read your mind, despite the fact you mention just earlier in the verse that this is impossible? It's almost like you are being deliberately fickle and...

Oh.

So much for reversals

We're gift-wrapped kitty cats
We're only turning into tigers when we gotta fight back

So I get that they want to create an image of utterly benign and non-threatening cuteness, but have you ever tried to cover a cat in wrapping paper? They do not like it. They do not like it at all. Even if you do manage it, the result is neither cute or benign.

Of course, the kitty cat was just a setup for the 'women as big cats' metaphor. Why is it always big cats? Why not go for a bear or a hyena or an elephant or something? A wolf. An eagle, even. A gorilla would be cool.

Let's go, Eskimo
Out into the blue

Yeah, see? A polar bear comparison would segue perfectly into this pun about Eskimos. I mean, I assume this is a pun about ice being blue. If it is, it is the sort of ice pun even Mr Freeze would think twice about. Maybe Eskimos are known for taking long journeys into the unknown. Like our journey into the bridge...

Come take my hand
Understand that you can
You're my man and I need you tonight

Apparently Girls Aloud's man is unaware of this human custom of hand-holding.

Come make my dreams
Honey hard as it seems
Loving me is as easy as pie

Note that Girls Aloud don't want their man to make their dreams true, they want him to make their dreams. Apparently they are completely directionless and without purpose until he tells them what to do. That is a lot of pressure to put on a person. No wonder he hesitates before calling.

The bridge ends with a mid-19th century American idiom about pie. Apparently Americans, and indeed all Anglophones, from that period on believe pie is easy. I can get behind that. Pie is a lot of things - tasty, symbolic of the comforts of home and family, sometimes an icon of childhood when combined with the windowsill. It is not, however, particularly romantic or sexy (unless you believe those lying films), and does not really belong in this song. Anyway, Girls Aloud, it is massively arrogant to go around saying "I am easy to love". It in fact makes you less easy to love.

I'm just a love machine
Feeding my fantasy
Give me a kiss or three
And I'm fine

So we get to the titular phrase. I assume that as a machine they are constantly and efficiently outputting love? But they are also feeding their fantasy, and they need kisses. So I guess they are converting kisses into love in order to nourish their unnamed fantasy. Also I'm not sure what sort of fantasy requires a constant input of love. It can't be a fantasy about loving someone because they are a love machine already. Maybe it is a fantasy about being loved? They don't feel loved, so they need kisses to create love to fuel their fantasy that they are loved. Yeah, that is definitely it, and not convoluted at all.

I need a squeeze a day
Instead of this negligee
What will the neighbours say
This time

So they need a hug instead of a negligee. Fair enough. What baffles me is, where are they wearing this negligee that the neighbours can see it? Are they wearing it while putting out the recycling? If that is the case, they can hardly blame their man. Especially since they seem to have done it before. Anyway, back to the verse.

I've been going crazy while you sleep
Searching for a language
That the two of us can speak so

Maybe the problem here, Girls Aloud, is that you are searching for this language by yourselves.

Mr. Prehistoric, make your wheel
And I'll breathe underwater '
'Cos I like the way it feels

I... what? You think he wants to literally remake the wheel while you... drown yourself? Is this how you always speak? Is breathing underwater meant to symbolise how civilised you are compared to his caveman ways? Are you mermaids? No wonder there is language barrier between you. Anyway, aren't cavemen meant to be a byword for 'simple' or 'motivated by base desires'? Why are you having trouble understanding him then? Maybe he is actually a prehistoric man. I mean, that would explain a lot. It is a grim dystopia where women are forced to gather men from the distant past for procreative needs. Their science may have discovered underwater breathing and time travel, but can it discover... love?

Oh, it's very new
Can anybody tell me what to do?
Oh, this feeling's very strange
Can anybody tell me what's your game?

Yes, it all makes sense now. Girls Aloud have hardly ever seen a man before, so of course all this is new and strange. Despite his lack of language, social breeding and technological understanding, they recognise him as a human, with a human brain and a human heart. But how can they interact? How can they make him understand? How can they make him love them?

(Oh) A little education
(Oh) To give you motivation
(Oh) We'll turn the situation

With education, of course. They will break the rules of their gynocracy and teach him everything, and damn the consequences!

(Oh) 'Cos I don't wanna change ya
(Oh) Making you a stranger
(Oh) I'll only re-arrange ya... for now

Also some mutilation is required. Can't make an omelette etc. etc.

(Oh) I'm just a Love Machine
(0h) To give you motivation
(Oh) I'm just a Love Machine
(Ooh, ooh)
(Oh) I'm just a Love Machine
(0h) To give you motivation
(Oh) I'm just a Love Machine
(Oh, oh, oh)

Love Machine - a touching tale of love in a grim, war-torn future.

PYD - Justin Bieber featuring R. Kelly

Yes, I am aware that analysing this song is reaching out for low-hanging fruit, and participation in Bieber-bashing puts me on a level with angry teenage Youtube commenters, but I just have to get this one off my chest. I have Issues about this song. And no, this isn't going to be about how it sounds like he is saying 'puberty', because this is Lyrics Overanalysed, not Lyrics Misheard.

R is wearing a hat that has 'parental advisory' written on it. I feel it is important to point this out.

Let's just get on with this.

(PYD, PYD, PYD, PYD, PYD, PYD, PYD)
I'mma put you down
(PYD, PYD, PYD)
Down (PYD, PYD, PYD)
I'mma put you down (PYD, PYD, PYD)
All the way down (whoa)

And we're off the starting line and bumbling straight into the first obstacle like a Sumo running the 110m hurdles. We have a problem so vast that we can almost completely ignore the ludicrous premise that Justin and R think that 'PYD' is a useful, perhaps even sensual, abbreviation. There are no sensual abbreviations. In fact, I would go so far as to say that abbreviations are antithetical to the whole notion of sensuality. This doesn't matter, though, because the discovery of what PYD actually stands for far overshadows the act of abbreviating it.

PYD stands for 'put you down'. However, rather than this being a paean to verbal abuse, it is in fact a song about physically putting someone down. As in, you pick them up off the floor, and then you put them down again.

In a sexy way.

A number of questions immediately jump out. Do they know that 'put you down' has the well established meaning of 'insult you'? If so, why did they still go through with this song? Why did no one stop them? I thought maybe they were young and had never heard the phrase used before, but R Kelly is 48 years old. There is no way that both of them, and all the people involved in the production and promotion of this song, did not know, so that means it must be deliberate. Is this working on a level that I am completely missing? Is it a strange effort at Doublespeak?

Why have they used 'put you down' when the perfectly serviceable 'lay you down' exists? Is it because LYD does not work as well as PYD? But PYD is just as clumsy and awkward. Is the 'all the way down' line meant to be an innuendo? Maybe it is an elaborate prank. They promise this girl that they will sexily put her down, they head back to her place, and R and Justin will jump up and call her stupid and smelly before fleeing the room.

I've just realised that 'put down' is also a euphemism for pet euthanasia. Are... are they pretending to be vets? Are they getting tingling feelings while they administer a lethal injection to Mr Tibbles? Just what in the hell are they doing?

Maybe the rest of the song will help us understand.

[Justin Bieber:]
From the door to the wall
Coffee table, girl, get ready
I'mma put you down (PYD PYD PYD)
All the way down (PYD PYD PYD)

Or maybe not. The coffee table? Either Justin has a superfluously large and sturdy coffee table (some may call this a 'table') or he is offering to gently lower her onto a small, hard, possibly glass, surface that sits directly in front of his sofa.

From the stove to the counter top
Dining room table, are you ready?
I'mma put you down
(PYD PYD PYD, PYD PYD PYD)

The stove? He wants to put her down on a stove? And then a counter top, and then the dining room table? Is it me, or is this rather reminiscent of the path a hot dinner might take? Is this a song about dismemberment and cannibalism? Oh God, is he leaving parts of her all around his house? 

Up the stairs to my bedroom,
Light a few candles, prepare yourself
I'mma put you down (PYD PYD PYD)
All the way down (PYD PYD PYD)

Okay, okay, she can still 'prepare herself', so she isn't in pieces. Justin is just carrying her around the house and placing her on various appliances and bits of furniture. As amusing as I find this image, it does not compare to the picture of Justin laying (sorry, putting) his lady love down on the bed, lighting some candles, then standing at the end of the bed and saying 'prepare yourself'. 

On a plane, a train, an automobile doesn't matter
I'mma put you down (PYD PYD PYD)
All the way down (PYD PYD PYD)

Oh, he's moved on to vehicles now. Keeping with the tone, Justin has eschewed mentioning any luxurious brand of car, and even the word 'car', in favour of using the staid and reliable 'automobile'. 
[Chorus: Justin Bieber]
And it don't make no sense to be that bad
I'm a take it down on you, babe (PYD PYD PYD)
Put you down (PYD PYD PYD)

My shaky grasp of the current lingo (damn kids and their music grumble grumble) suggests to me that 'don't make no sense to be that bad' is simply a way of saying she is bamboozlingly sexy, but I refuse to believe that 'taking it down' on someone is anything other than a vague threat.

This will show you how much I love you
Form of appreciation
I'mma put you down (PYD PYD PYD PYD PYD PYD PYD)

And again, I can't imagine anyone saying 'this will show you how much I love you' without it being a threat. It is the sort of thing someone says while carving your name into their cheek with a pair of scissors. Yes, Justin, I guess your impromptu tattoo is a form of appreciation.

Oh, 'cause you deserve the best
And nothing but the best
So I give you the best you've ever had
I'mma put you down (PYD PYD PYD PYD PYD PYD PYD)
I'mma put you down
Note the subtle switching of meaning. 'The best' and 'the best you've ever had' are two different things. They can be very different. This is clearly sophistry of the most appalling kind.

[R. Kelly:]
On the roof (baby), balcony (baby), we don't care (baby) who sees
Girl, I'mma put you down (PYD PYD PYD)
All the way down, down, down (PYD PYD PYD)

So R has now joined in and he's already going for more outlandish places to put her down. Also, R, if you are trying to suggest a spontaneity born of passion, perhaps you should suggest places that you are likely to frequent, and don't take careful balance and ten minutes of parkour.

After the club, in the parking lot
I don't care anywhere you could pick the spot, whatever
I'mma put you down, yeah (PYD PYD PYD)
All the way down, yeah (PYD PYD PYD)

Like a parking lot. I guess you would frequent a parking lot, that most romantic of places.

At this point, however, R drops this whole conceit that Justin has spent his whole verse building up with an 'I don't care, whatever'. R is done naming places he could put her down. He's done three. That's more than enough.

'Cause I've been doing forensics
On your body in this club
I can tell the way you walk
Your body ain't been touched the right way

There have already been some oddly sterile words and phrases thrown into this song ('automobile', 'form of appreciation'), but 'forensics' tops them all. As an added bonus, it's also vaguely threatening. It is difficult to hear the word 'forensics' and not think of autopsies and UV blood tracking.

Anyway, R can tell from the way she walks that she hasn't orgasmed in months.

It seems your man been treating you like a step child

I don't know what R is trying to say here, but none of the interpretations are good. The least offensive one I can garner from this line is that her man isn't having sex with her, but even this suggests that 'lack of sex' is the defining condition of the step child-step parent relationship. Maybe instead he thinks that stepchildren are subhuman, and treating a real human like a stepchild is monstrous. The worst possible interpretations are, well, they're pretty bad.

Sub him out, sub me in
And I'm a get on the floor
And shut the whole game down

R then drops from his previous bombshell to a metaphor about basketball. Adulterous basketball.

Until I hear you cheering, babe
Have you spelling out my name, babe

Spelling out your name? I can see he's trying to link her impassioned cries to his extended basketball metaphor via cheerleaders, but the unfortunate outcome is that he has her orgasming like a Sesame Street character.

See, I wanna give my love
Be your dope man in the bedroom
You can make me your drug, babe

Even R cannot screw up a 'love is a drug' metaphor.

[Chorus: R. Kelly]
And it don't make no sense to be that bad
Oh no, baby (PYD PYD PYD),
I'm gonna put you down
Gonna show you how much I love you
Form of appreciation, yeah no ooh
(PYD PYD PYD, PYD PYD PYD)
etc etc.

The end is just a mishmash of repeated lyrics. Overall, the lyrics suggest that they truly believe 'put you down' is a good euphemism for sexy times. There is no evidence of intentional double meanings, or acknowledgement that it might mean something else. But, to reiterate, I cannot believe this song was made without anyone spotting that issue. The only possible conclusion is that they knew, and they didn't care. They just didn't care.

Well, I care, R and Justin. I will always care.

Drops of Jupiter - Train

Train, a band with a name so bland you don't really think about its origins, have produced some of the most bizarre and outlandish lyrics I have heard. This isn't particularly difficult, seeing as my exposure to music these days is contained entirely within car journeys, but I've heard Aesop Rock and At The Drive In blurting out opaque word labyrinths in my day. The difference between them and Train, however, is that while Omar and co. are deliberately circuitous and convoluted, Train are trying their damnedest to be understood. They're just not very good at it.

There's a photoshoot today? Why didn't you guys tell me? I could have at least ironed the jacket.

So we start with the song of theirs I heard first - Drops of Jupiter. It's definitely not the worst song they've made - maybe we'll do that one another time.

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey, hey

So we start with a title drop, and all is good so far. This 'she' has been whizzing around in space, but she's back home now. We're not going to complain about her apparent exposure to vacuum and radiation and poisonous Jovian gases, because this isn't Lyrics Taken Literally. Maybe she has gone off and done some extraordinary things. Maybe she is just a daydreamer.

She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's a time to change, hey, hey, hey

Okay. 'She acts like summer' I can understand - she is bright, sunny, languid, lazy, burns your face with her UV eyes - all well and good. 'Walks like rain' is a tad more challenging. Wetly? Does she walk wetly? Or as part of a vast and vital natural cycle? With a constant drumming noise? Pseudo-rhythmically? Actually, that's the only one that makes sense. She is bright and sunny and walks pseudo-rhythmically.

All of this reminds Train that they have time to change. The rest of the song makes it clear that they don't believe that they need to change at all in any way, but, you know, there's always time to do it.

Since her return from her stay on the Moon
 
She returned from a Moon trip, and it sounds like it was a one time thing, so I guess we are meant to take the 'she did some fun and exciting stuff and now she's back home' interpretation. She probably went backpacking. Now, I'm not going to say all backpackers are horrible, patronising assholes, because everyone who isn't a backpacker already believes this. I'm just going to say that it is a big red warning flag for us to be wary. I've actually met some backpackers that were nice. No, seriously, I have.

 She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey

And we're back to the seasons thing. 'She listens like spring'. Bursting with fertility and growth? She listens and things take seed and grow into mighty oaks? I guess that works, but that also sounds like she may just be gullible. We'll be generous, and assume it means she is creative. If you complain to her about your terrible flatmate, it will take seed in her and grow and eventually she will create a papier-mache balloon head for you.

We won't be generous about 'talks like June' bit though, because this means nothing if you are an internationally sold artist. Clearly Train have not stopped to think about how June as a month means vastly different things depending on what latitude you inhabit. Or maybe they did, and they couldn't be bothered to find another rhyme for Moon. And even if you can get past that terrible error and assume that June is related to summer, it means basically the same thing as the 'acts like summer' line. Awful, just awful.
 
But tell me, did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated?

Here we are getting to the crux of the matter. Train suddenly go from awkward season-based praise in the verses to passive-aggressive rhetorical questions in the chorus. I don't really know what they are getting at asking if she 'sailed across the sun', but combined with the Milky Way line, it suggests that sailing across the sun is a disappointing activity. Maybe it is sarcastic, and Train are laughing at her Icarus-like efforts to boat across an astronomically all-powerful fusion reactor.

They also mock her efforts to see the 'faded' lights of the Milky Way, questioning whether she even 'made it' there. Well, Train, she did make it there. She made it there, as we all have, by being born in the Milky Way, you idiots.

We'll get back to whether 'heaven is overrated'.

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star–
One without a permanent scar?

Again, I can understand part of this - they are asking if she fell for some transiently fun and exciting dude on her backpacking adventure - but what is all this business about permanent scars? Is this some allusion to another guy she met that had a scar? Maybe Train have permanent scars, and they are trying to suggest she is shallow? Maybe they mean emotional scars? Or maybe, as I believe, they just wanted a rhyme for 'star', and this is what they came up with.

And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

Aha! Ahahaha! There it is, the very heart of this song. Did you miss me? You haven't forgotten me, have you? How was heaven? It wasn't as good as me, was it? Tell me it wasn't! Please tell me it wasn't!


Although, to be fair to Train, they know about their crippling lack of self-confidence, and expand upon it later on. Back to the verses.
 
Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey, hey (mmm)

'Soul vacation'? Bloody backpackers.

She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there's room to grow, hey, hey, hey (yeah)
 
'Checks out' Mozart, huh? How very hip. I'm sure all the kids 'check out' their favourite composers. I'm also sure that The Magic Flute is the best music to listen to while pseudo-rhythmically engaging in faddy, martial arts-based exercise regimes, and these are definitely not the actions of an awful person. 

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' Jane
Told a story about a man who was too afraid to fly so he never did land

See? Train understand their self-doubt better than anyone. However, I am fairly sure that the biggest drawback to being too afraid to fly is not the fact that you can never land. I mean, yes, landing is amongst the most risky bits of flying, but I wouldn't say it was a highlight.

Anyway, Train, the more I learn about this woman, the more I feel you can do better. Sure, you are  lazy, awkward, inept and riddled with self-loathing, but you aren't a backpacker.

But tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way?

And back to the passive-aggression, although all these things seem like doable things. The winds of Jupiter could easily have picked her up and tossed her around like a plastic bag in an appalling home movie, and she could easily have fallen in love with its wayward, arrogant charms. Then she could have danced during the day and headed back to where she already is.

And tell me, did Venus blow your mind?
Was it everything you wanted to find?
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

So Venus here means love, right? Is this meant to be a sarcastic I-told-you-so about how dull falling in love is? I mean, falling in love is a lot of things, but it is rarely dull. Are Train talking about the exciting dude she met while backpacking? While 'looking for herself'? Did she really say she was 'looking for herself'? I'm not sure who is worse at the moment, Train with their 'settle for me, you can't do better' schtick, or her, with her backpackerness.

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken?

What? No love, pride or deep-fried chicken? Are Train vegetarians? Unloving, shame-filled vegetarians? What sort of enticement is this?


Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong

Hey Train, this has nothing to do with you. Her best friend will stick up for her even if you aren't there desperately trying to undermine her confidence.


Can you imagine no first dance, freeze-dried romance? Five-hour phone conversations?

The only way you can have no first dance is if you never dance, so apparently that is out too. Unless they mean no first dance at the wedding? So you allude to a wedding by stating the things you refuse to do at it? The way this is gone so far, I expect that Train will enforce a minimum of five hours per phone call. Train will spend the time telling you how much better off you are now that you have come to your senses and settled down and got a proper job, with none of that silly gallavanting.

The best soy latte that you ever had and me

This is the climax? A fucking soy latte? Even lactose intolerant caffeine addicts would be insulted by this hideously yuppie invite. In fact, this is a great way to filter out the worst dates - if you say that you'll take them to get the 'best soy latte they have ever had' and they don't immediately hiss like a cobra and spit in your face, then you can end the date there and then.

But tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the Milky Way?
And tell me, did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated?
And tell me, did you fall for a shooting star,
One without a permanent scar?
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself?
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
And did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day?
Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na
And did you fall for a shooting star, fall for a shooting star?
Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na
And are you lonely looking for yourself out there?

What if she isn't, Train? Huh? What then? Maybe you could take some of that time and room you have to change? Or maybe you could just pester and sneer at her until her self-esteem degrades enough that she will settle for you? You are monsters, Train, awful, terrible people.

But at least you aren't backpackers. 

Candy - Paolo Nutini

Let us talk about Paolo Nutini.


I am pretty sure Paolo Nutini is a deeply sexy man, a mix of smoky Italian passion and Scottish... Scottishness, with big pouty lips that all the guys and gals swoon over. Probably.

It looks like he is wearing a tie, but he isn't.

Given this, I should hate him on the principle that he is better than I'll ever be, but I don't. I don't because my only interaction with his existence is through a single song. It is called Candy.

It isn't a particularly bad song. It's quite catchy. The video that accompanies Candy is probably the best thing about it. However, it is the first song whose chorus made me want to create and write a blog in which I overanalyse lyrics. They're not terrible as such, it's just... well, let's just get started, shall we?

 I was perched outside in the pouring rain,
Trying to make myself a sail,
Then I'll float to you, my darlin',
With the evening on my tail.

An evocative start - we can imagine Paolo perched on the prow of his boat, needle and thread in hand, bundles of sodden, ragged cloth at his feet. The rain lashes down, further hampering his ham-fisted efforts to sew. But he perseveres because he is a romantic fool, who imagines his billowing sail will take him to his love as the sun sets behind him. Since he's sailing to meet this darlin' of his, I assume she lives out at sea somewhere, maybe on an island or an oil rig.

Although not the most honest means of travel,
It gets me there nonetheless,

Despite his dedication to the task, Paolo feels that sailing is not very honest. I am not entirely sure why. Does he feel that stealing the power of the wind is immoral? Perhaps it is an affront to God? Maybe he feels that only self-powered locomotion is 'honest', but he only got his yellow tape in swimming and his hands are just too delicate for rowing.


I'm a heartless man at worst, babe,
And a helpless one at best.

This seems like a clever little phrase, but I find myself asking why he brings it up here. Where did it come from? Is it meant to explain why he's sailing?

Paolo: I'll sail to your place tonight.

Darlin': That's not very honest, is it?

Paolo: Well, I'm too heartless to use a pedalo.

And here we get to the oddly worded chorus that struck me so much all those months ago.

Darling, I'll bathe your skin, I'll even wash your clothes,
Just give me some candy before I go.

Now, is it me, or is this quite insulting? Is she particularly lacking in personal hygiene? Or maybe she really does work on an oil rig, and cleaning yourself and your clothes is a particularly arduous task. On the other hand, I am only thinking that because I imagine oil rig workers will be covered in oil, because it's spraying all over the rig like a flammable sprinkling system. I bet most oil rig workers actually finish their shift looking pretty clean.

Maybe instead our culture is growing more mature, and little acts like laundry and washing the dishes are considered more an act of love than covering your house in an inch-deep layer of rose petals. Someone has to clean those petals up later. Then again, he does say 'I'll even wash your clothes', suggesting it is an extraordinary act. Also, his offer to bathe her skin, which is a little redundant (you're not going to bathe her liver now, are you?) but vastly more sensuous than 'I'll give you a bath', pretty much suggests that getting her clean is the main aim.

This is also our first mention of the titular 'candy', which remains tantalisingly ill-defined. Is it Skittles, maybe? Or a Snickers bar? Does chocolate count as candy? I don't know much about these US words.

Actually, Paolo is Scottish. Do Scots say candy too?

Oh darling, I'll kiss your eyes and lay you down on your rug,
Just give me some candy after my hug.

And here it is. The line that had me staring at the radio, waiting for the chorus to come round again. You'll kiss her eyes. Her eyes. I spent a long time wondering whether I'd missed out on some great romantic gesture, or that kissing eyes was a thing that people do all the time. But I can't accept either of these as true. The eyes are the worst place you can kiss someone. If your sole concern is the comfort and enjoyment of the kissee, literally every other external part of the human body is a better place to kiss, with the possible exception of the nostril.

I guess he means that he will gently place his lips on Darlin''s closed eyelids, like he went for a forehead kiss and missed, but I cannot help imagining Paolo tonguing her exposed eyeball while she stands there wincing, too polite to stop him. 

After, or probably during, this travesty of a romantic gesture, he will lay her down on her rug. It is pretty amazing how quickly the mind's eye will supply the rest of the details - the crackle from the fireplace, the soft wavering light of candles, two glasses half full of red wine...

I have a rug in my living room. It is a mucus-y green colour, and it sits on top of a rectangle of carpet that is roughly seven times cleaner than any other piece of carpet in my house. It isn't one of those luxuriant, shaggy rugs either, like Paolo is no doubt imagining. Nobody has those because that is like laying 20 square feet of wet pondsludge in the middle of your room. Things will grow in there. Terrible things. You will never be able to get them out.

What I'm driving at here is that rugs are awful things that will make you itch for no discernible reason if you were to lie down on them. Don't do it.

Oh and there's something about hugs as well. Some people might tell you it's 'heart', not 'hug'. Those people are wrong. Paolo is expecting a hug, and he wants some candy with it, because apparently a hug is not enough. Greedy, that's what that is.

Oh I'm often found explainin',
But to her it plays out all the same,
And although I'm left defeated,
It gets held against my name.

So here Paolo is telling us that this darlin' of his keeps finding out some naughty things he has done, and no matter how well he explains, she reacts in the same way. This reaction involves shouting him down and then holding a grudge. Given that Paolo thinks sailing is a helpless, dishonest activity, it is difficult to gauge what he is doing to earn her ire. It's probably the eye-kissing.

I know you got plenty to offer, baby,
But I guess I've taken quite enough,
Well I'm some stain there on your bed sheet,
You're my diamond in the rough.

I almost like this stanza - comparing yourself to a stain on someone's bed sheet is cleverly evocative, but that last line causes my eyebrows to furrow once more. A diamond in the rough is not, as I used to think, a diamond lying outside the fairway on a golf course. It is an uncut diamond, a gemstone whose brilliance is currently hidden by its coarse, unrefined exterior. He has essentially compared her to Animal Mutha from Full Metal Jacket.

I guess there are worse things with which to be compared.

After that, there is more chorus, and then the outro.


I know that the writing's on the wall

So he knows it will end soon...

Oh I'll be there waitin' for you (repeated)

...but he will continue to wait. At the wall, presumably, where the writing is.

All the cutthroats and their jagged ends
All of them got me waiting and waiting

I'll be honest, I don't really know what he's talking about at the end here. Cutthroats aren't typically associated with making people wait - they are doers, not planners - and quite where they came from is another matter entirely.

All the cheap and the sugary philosophies
Have got me on the fence just waiting and waiting

Cheap and sugary (in fact, candy-like) philosophies have stopped him from reaching a decision on... something. Again, not sure what.

All the angels and their halos
All they do is keep me waiting and waiting
 
I guess he is so fed up of waiting that he wants to die. Poor Paolo. All he wanted was some candy. Has nobody told him he can buy his own from a shop?